I Met Jennifer Lawrence @ Safeway

Per usual, to give you a more complete feeling of why the dream may have happened – or to help you make your own interpretation of the dream, I am going to describe some of the factors of that current time:

Prior to this dream, I was sent an email from Netflix. The email was an offer to come back and take advantage of a free month of Netflix…so I did. Thus making it easier for me to work and stream documentaries. Well, I watched all the documentaries I could handle within the first three days.

Netflix

Then it happened. I forgot that I loved the show Walking Dead and there was the thumbnail picture for the seasons I’ve missed.  (side note:  I enjoy zombie anything really…Shaun of the Dead!!! AWESOME).  Never could remember when new episodes aired.  As of right now, I’m in the middle of a Walking Dead marathon. It plays in a small window in the corner of my computer screen as I work on stuff.

Also going on about right now is one of my soulmates (Jennifer Lawrence) has been rumored to have NOT broken up with her boyfriend.  Shocking. Who gives a shit. Apparently…I do.

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I’m in the grocery store.  I love grocery stores, especially the produce sections.  It’s always nice and cool in that section.  The air is always easy to breathe and the colors are vivid.  In real life I always start at the left side of the store because that’s where the produce is and when I arrive in that section…naturally my cart is empty.  This is a dream though…my cart is already full.  I notice a beautiful lady looking at the Portobello Mushrooms…and I just happen to need mushrooms for my dinner.

“Excuse me…may I reach in and grab what I need really quick?”

She looks up at me and I can tell she’s been crying.  Crying, but over it.  She’s strong and maybe was crying because she was mad at herself for wasting her time with whoever she was thinking about…not so much because she was sad about ending it with him. Whoever he was.

She laughs and replies, “Just really quick?…only if I can grab back!”

I’m stumped.  I can’t speak because I notice that she’s Jennifer Lawrence and I’m not used to someone being a smartass before me.  I don’t know if she was Jennifer Lawrence when I walked up to her..but she’s definitely Jennifer Lawrence as we’re talking to each other.

It’s highly visible and impossible not to comment on…so after a few back and forths I ask, “Why are you carrying that Oscar around?” – She proceeds to tell me that she doesn’t want to but she’s got a new movie coming out and that her publicist thinks its good for the movie release. (AWESOME idea dream world publicist…just AWESOME).

Before I know it…Jennifer and I are having a great time in the grocery store.  We’ve already picked out what I’ll be cooking for dinner because she’s invited herself over to watch the latest Walking Dead.  It’s on in a few hours and she wants to watch it…but she doesn’t want to watch it alone because she’s easily scared.  She mentions that she heard from people “in the business” that Rick dies in tonight’s episode.  (This is a blatant life-to-dream reference.  My friend Susan knows that Rick and I trade zombie killing secrets and she’s always trying to hurt my feelings by telling me Rick died).

Right before we’re about to checkout, I remember I forgot about the olive oil…I always cook with olive oil and I’m out.  I tell soon to be Jennifer Lawrence-Espudo, “I’ll be RIGHT back, I forgot the olive oil!”

She doesn’t say anything because she’s stuffing her face with the chips I picked up for my lunch time sandwiches…instead she simply nods with approval.  As I turn around, I think to myself…”What the fuck is with that lady, I haven’t even paid for those yet…I hope there’s still some left when I get back.”

Everything is going swimmingly.  I feel like I’ve known her for years and we’re best friends.  I know I always say I’m never going to get married…but I have a sneaking suspicion that she might be the one to make me eat my words.

During my walk to the olive oil, I notice that we might be the only ones in the grocery store.  There is NOBODY in the store.  I can’t hear any chatter, I can’t hear any checkstands, nor do I see the shitty little brats running around pulling shit off the shelves.  The lights overhead begin to flicker.   Something is wrong…very wrong!  I just know it’s zombies.  Those fuckin’ assholes.

The first thing I do is kneel down and untie my shoes.  (I don’t know why, but in my dreams zombies can’t tell I’m not a zombie if I untie my shoes.)  My next move is to put the olive oil in my backpack.  Next…find a weapon.

I start running around the aisles looking for something that could double as a weapon.  In the distance, I hear some yelling.  –  Then I remember that the butcher must have a few knives and shit so I run to the back of the store.  I hear another scream (this time I notice something not so scary about the scream) but I keep focused – – – my search for a weapon continues.

THERE!  There’s exactly what I need.  A samurai sword hanging next to all of the butcher’s knives (John Belushi’s comedy has been a major part of my upbringing…so as I think about this right now, it should come as no surprise) right where I knew a weapon would be.

Another scream….but it almost seems like a joyous scream.  A scream of glee.  Almost a laugh.   What the fuck?  I let my guard down because maybe I was overreacting and we were in no danger.  So I kneel down and tie my shoes.

WRONG!  Bad move Espudo.  As I step out of the butcher’s flimsy swinging doors I get blindsided by a really stocky zombie.  He’s wearing all white and a large apron.  He used to be the butcher…used to be.  Now I’m the butcher and he’s the cow.

Without looking back, with one clever twist of my hips and samurai like precision, I thrust my sword to my 4 ‘o’ clock and butcher zombie stops dead in his tracks.  I pull the sword out as I push him away with a swift kick of my red Chucks.  Butcher boy flies back about 12 feet.  Without hesitation I run after him and I spin move his head right off.

As I’m executing a perfect spin move landing, out of the corner of my eye I see a golden blur and hear another gleeful cheer.  What the fuck is going on?  How can someone be cheering at a time like this?   I gotta get back and save Jennifer Lawrence…like RIGHT NOW.

I hear another scream.  I’m already in a killing mood so I don’t even bother untying my shoes to prevent zombie attacks this time.  I’m ready for more.  ANOTHER shiny golden blur in the distance, this one accompanied by some laughter.  I look left, I look right…but decide to walk straight down the water aisle.

In haste, I walk about 10 feet down the water aisle and a soft but heavy knock hits the back of my head.  – – – – a bottle of water?  I redirect my sexy killing strut back towards the butcher area…and I hear “Go, go, go…he coming!”

I didn’t see them, but I heard them.  Who the fuck is joking at a time like this?  This is no time for joshing.  Since I’d never find them looking aisle by aisle…I decide to get a better look.  – ACTION JUMP! on top of the aisle to my left.  I then pounce from aisle top to aisle top like a fucking hungry jaguar mama stalking prey for her hungry cubs.  I SEE THEM…THERE THEY ARE!

…stalking my prey (quietly)

…stalking my prey (heart begins to pound)

…stalking my prey (my temperature is rising)

…I think I can clear this last aisle and make a clean landing right where they are!  SWOOOSH!  As I land…I see it.  That pretty face.  That beautiful perfect pretty face.  Coming right at me, purposely trying to run me over with his fucking shopping cart.  “Watch out mate!”

OBloom_Cart

Orlando Bloom, you fuckin’ piece of shit!   “How the fuck did you get back in here?” – – He laughs with his head up high!…like any cocky British asshole who thinks he’s an elf would, and then he darts off.  In the distance I see a sparkling yellowish or blonde blurry streak.

I give chase, but he’s just too fast.  For some reason…my zombie killing ninja reflexes and cheetah speed aren’t what they were just moments ago.  I’m sluggish, I’m slow, I’m fat again…things are getting dark.

In some of my dreams he’s just Orlando Bloom.  In other dreams he’s Legolas Greenleaf…so when I turn to see him cut a corner trailed by what I think is a streak of blonde hair, it doesn’t surprise me.  Elves are agile, I’ve seen all of those fuckin’ movies.   I’m well aware that they are stronger than humans by nature.  It gets to me.

The laughter haunts me.  I continue to chase but it’s useless.  Orlando Bloom has done it again.  He’s taken my girl.  Only this time, for the first time…it’s Jennifer Lawrence.

Finally, I realize…I recognize…I regrettably admit to myself…the yellowish shiny streak of blonde hair I’m seeing as a blur isn’t HIS after all.  It’s Jennifer’s hair and he’s pushing her around in a shopping cart and they’re having a ball.  Like two drunk teenagers wreaking havoc in a little town with one cop…that cop just happens to be their best friend and would never arrest them.

Fuck you Orlando Bloom…just fuck you.  Why do you continue to haunt me?